[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
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It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
The prophecy is fulfilled
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw