*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
You Might Also Like
SF is the wild wild west man
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids