Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Never go to sleep after making me angry
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
They’re on their honeymoon