What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
You Might Also Like
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic