Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
dam girl
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”