It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
mechanics be like
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids