i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
This will never not be funny to me.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!