I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
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Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love