If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
You Might Also Like
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions