As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
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I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”