Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
You Might Also Like
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
In banana years, I am bread.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.