*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I can’t be the only one 😂
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like