When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
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Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
(more comics:
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves