I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!