The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
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Welcome to the stomach
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Dishonest mechanic?
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me