My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
guys I’m going home
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
You deplete me
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.