23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
You Might Also Like
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
fr
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower