Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
War & Peace
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.