My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
this came to me in a vision
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.