[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing