me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Perfection.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n