Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
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Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you