16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
You Might Also Like
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
dutch is not a serious language
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?