“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
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Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I am HOWLING at this
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.