[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
When you “pspspsp” too hard
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.