Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
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[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
just having fun
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!