My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.