‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss