People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
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GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”