You Might Also Like
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
How wrong was this guy?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.