Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
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lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
How did we not see this back then?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family