I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant