If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
You Might Also Like
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Storm Tropical Storm
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do