My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.