My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
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I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Nice try, NASA
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.