There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing