“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.