Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Ah yes. The three genders
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*