“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
You Might Also Like
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I have never related to anyone more.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed