“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
dutch is not a serious language
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*