reviewed some movies recently
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The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
this is the best interaction on twitter
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.