tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
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Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!