The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
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I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]