I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.