I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
went fishing caught a bass
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday