Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
You Might Also Like
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
me when the borders lift
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!