Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
White Castle for the Win
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.