*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I cannot call her anything else now
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.