(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.