Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.